-A window ajar is a prelude in building to the joy of being limitless! That uneasiness of being familiar somehow, sometime, somewhere.......

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Nicotine Notes Update:

You know how strange it feels when the consciousness to quit smoking arrives? No , I am not referring to the version which often comes and goes away. This is different and feels so unique, as though it was someone alien and not me who was feeling it. And worst of all, it makes you feel helpless when you realise, almost against yourself that it is here to stay.

Yes, have packed it in. Nothing to do with any of new year’s resolution. But yes, had been thinking of cutting down and slung it around the event. Well, first thought I should smoke not more than 20 a year, mostly as occasional pleasures. However the third day was ambivalent. Couldn’t resist buying a pack at Sainsbury’s, the same old lady who on seeing me immediately pulled out a pack. So couldn’t escape. And then had the first one which soon ushered in the second and I have to tell you I did not feel any good about it. Not at all. In fact, was quite angry with myself. And soon the second was beckoning the third. I thought it’s about time . Thought about it for a good 15 minutes and then emptied the pack in the toilet and flushed them away for good. Or so I think. Presently am fighting everything. Even the fucking thought of having quit it.
One heartening aspect though is I have learnt to say no. At times, I spend my time imagining myself being offered a stick by so many smokers I know and practice mentally to say no to them. But its going to be quite a challenge.

The weak moments I have identified are: when I am on my own and become stimulated by a thought or any other interesting stimulus from outside. Second post coitus. Fuck it. Feel like lunatic. Then there are times when you watch a perfect stranger light up and slowly draw a puff as if it was the very purpose of his life . I feel running amok. But so far haven’t given in.

I suppose it is more or less like a bereavement. Even everyone around is slowly readjusting themselves to the loss. The other day, during a conversation, J lit a cigarette and reflexly out of habit extended the arm to light mine , only to find a smile on my lips. It was a difficult silent moment. Unique. Then he slowly withdrew his hand and continued with the talk as if nothing happened.I think he was feeling as if he had offended me and I felt almost apologetic for having putting him through such times.

Thats for now, as they say, lets see.

3 comments:

Finny Forever said...

wish i could advise here. with or without nic, i teeter on the drastic.

gaizabonts said...

:)

the consciousness is omnipresent for me. the act is beloved. yet, i am glad for you.

best,

Ubermensch said...

Finny true you are a living suicide ;)

Gaiza,
thanks, need it.
somewhere here:

http://www.surreycounsellingservice.co.uk/html/cycle_of_change.html

And welcome!

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